Tonight, salted caramel Haagen Daazs happened. I wasn't sad, angry or heartbroken. I just saw it sat in the freezer and I opened it. Not even sure how it got in there in the first place. I don't remember buying it. The kids occasionally shoplift tho so maybe they got it for me.

It wouldn't be so bad if I'd put some into a bowl and measured out an acceptable portion. But I didn't, it was spoon and scoop until half the ice cream was gone. I basically fell in the tub. I was a bit pissed off brain freeze didn't kick in to slow me down or stop me but it didn't. I think the cold actually numbed my senses so I kept on. To be fair I should've videoed it and sold pay per view to fatty feeders dot com, that's how much I was loving that ice cream.

I went running today as well, did 4 miles off the hips only to ice cream those inches back on. All that sweaty effort as well, all that resolve, licked away on the end of a spoon.

To be honest, I blame the kids. More specifically, the process of pregnancy and weight gain.  First of all, I've never snapped back to size 8 after having them. Ok, so I was never size 8 to begin with but they don't know that. I was hoping snapping would occur. Or some freak post natal weight loss disease would take me to size 8 kingdom so I could finally shop in Topshop, but no, it didn't.

The worst of the weight issue however, comes from the things you keep in the house when kids live in it, well, that and becoming a human Hoover at every mealtime may bear an impact.

'Ah are you leaving that fish finger?'
'You sure you don't want it, I can dip it in ketchup. No. Ok.
*Human Hoover gobbles it all up*

'What's that sweetcorn left on your plate - you can't leave that - have you had enough, Ok.'
*Human Hoover gobbles it up*

You can have a cookie now you've eaten tea, then go play before your bath. Oh look, you've left the half of cookie, Erm, not gonna ask if you want to finish it, you might say yes,
*Human Hoover gobbles it up*

I'm the Henry's Hoover Mum of the Henry range. They really should create a mum for that Henry Hoover. She sucks up at every mealtime. She won't leave a plate empty. Disclaimer alert: Her bag will always be full tho , but she will still continue to Hoover. She's the heaviest Hoover of the range mind, chubby little sucker.

That's the other thing with kids, you always have chocolate in the house. And it's not always for the kids. You might tell yourself that when you buy it. But they've always been too naughty to have earned it. So you buy a chocolate bar and you think you're in control. I'll just have the one piece now and pop it back in the fridge. That's easy enough. But not long after you go into the kitchen to put dishes in the sink and accidentally open the fridge and have another square of chocolate because it falls out into your hands.
An hour later and you go into the kitchen and open the fridge, why you automatically open the fridge is anyone's guess but you do, and that darn chocolate falls back into your hands and forces another square into your mouth. BUT, in the land of mum, this is not called eating a whole bar of chocolate. Nooooooo, this is having a piece of chocolate. The fact you polish the bar off but leave the wrapper in the fridge for now so you don't have to confront your crimes of the hips is irrelevant. You've only had pieces, not a bar of chocolate.

Sometimes, the calories don't count. Calories also don't count when you eat off someone else's plate, nor do they count when you bake a homemade cake because there's no packet with any calorie information on there. Therefore, it's calorie-free.

Mum or not, we all have our calorie rules. I firmly believe wine doesn't  hold any calories because it's fluid and I won't let you tell me any different. I also think that if you eat alone and no one sees you stuffing your face there's no calories in that either. Crikey, I'm beginning to sound like one of those secret eater binger types now.

I'm really not, the truth is, I actually don't give a stuff these days, I used to care more. But now, desiring to be skinny comes somewhere between desiring a child free night out and desiring a day where I don't have to split up a fight over play doh. Neither of those 2 things will occur anytime soon so nor will skinny happen.

I have clothes that fit (no, not tents). I have a decent level of fitness inbetween eating pie. I have no holiday to go on this year and probably not next either so few people are actually going to see me naked or semi naked anyway.
Gym kit has Lycra in it and on fat days I do what every woman does and puts on a pair of leggings and a floaty top.
So I can carry on as I am being Henry Hoovers Mum.

Henry's Mum Quick Calories Guide:

- no calories on someone else's plate
- no calories in home baking
- no calories in wine
- no calories if no one sees you
- only a few calories in individual pieces of chocolate and none in the wrapper